@AmericanGent69

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

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@KentWGraham

After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.

@Adityaneut01

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

@NikiWithIssues

Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.

@3sunzzz

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

@sarcasticmommy4

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

@jackmackenroth

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

@DamnitJosh

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

@MedievalReacts

bae: come over

me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan

bae: im home alone

Me:

@justabloodygame

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.