*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

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I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.


Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.


date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes


ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning

ME: *pointing at the sky* DON’T. YOU. DARE.


[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?


Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit


I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward