@AmericanGent69

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

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@AlanFelyk

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

@Staggfilms

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

@murrman5

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

@captainkalvis

ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning

ME: *pointing at the sky* DON’T. YOU. DARE.

@DaddyJew

[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?

@neonwario

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

@drankturpentine

I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward