After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
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Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Apparently Hooters is a great place to meet single dads on a Sunday.
Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
bae: come over
me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan
bae: im home alone
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.