*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
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Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing