*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
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*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Wise advice
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Tell the colonel to bring it
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone