[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
You Might Also Like
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
He took my last fry, your honor
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.