[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
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“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.