Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
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*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant