[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
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I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
greetings!
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?