*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
You Might Also Like
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”
Never been more impressed in my life.
my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me
Me: Do you want me to shave your pits for you, babe?
Husband: Please just say “I’ll cut the peaches” like a normal person
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a birthday cake?