@squirrel74wkgn

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

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@EndhooS

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

@ThePocketJustin

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

@momjeansplease

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

@iwearaonesie

my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me

@justokpanda

Me: Do you want me to shave your pits for you, babe?

Husband: Please just say “I’ll cut the peaches” like a normal person

@NikkiGlaser

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

@asimplesean

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

@ThugRaccoons

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*