[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
That took me a moment.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late