@briangaar

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

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@ThatAdamKid

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

@Jandalize

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

@freypalm

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

@Parkerlawyer

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

@WheelTod

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

@sickipediabot

My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,

“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

@murrman5

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

@Marlebean

Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …