Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
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Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time