I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
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Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
See..?
.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.