[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
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Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot