[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

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barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach


[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.


I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.


Dude, I can’t tweet AND know when the light turns green.
I’m pretty, not magical.


You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.


Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.


If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.


i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.


Thanks for cradling your stomach in all your pictures because otherwise I’d never know you were pregnant.