@EndhooS

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

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@imskytrash

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

@Tommytoughstuff

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

@SavoirFail

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

@NervousJr

Dude, I can’t tweet AND know when the light turns green.
I’m pretty, not magical.

@Ideal_Victoria

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

@Ivsy01

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

@Marcmywords2

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

@fuckmarrywill

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

@jellybnbonanza

Thanks for cradling your stomach in all your pictures because otherwise I’d never know you were pregnant.