Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
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And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire