Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.


My mom is the cutest. I just called her and she said she didn’t sleep so great last night.

Asked her why.

“Well, I have this pineapple, and I kept thinking about how I’m gonna cut it.”


[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear


NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers


Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.


Reporter got asked about any survivors of a plane crash & said ‘its up in the air’. Dude if it was up in the air we wouldn’t be in this mess


[Whale watching]

me: see that humpback over there? see its blowhole?

date: yeah

me: *nods* that’s where the periscope used to be


I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.


Siri just said I’m looking for love in all the wrong places so I’m tryin to figure out what happened to Siri and how my mom got in my phone.


amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*