Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?
Me: how can I trust you anymore
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
You Might Also Like
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
men are so lucky they don’t have to sit down to poop.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos
[a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated]
Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.