Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”