What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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(bank drive thru)
Me: *puts deposit through pneumatic tube
Banker: This is a can of Pringles
Me: Yes, savings please
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
It’s important to know your neighbors by name. For instance, “Mr. Mean Old Man” and his wife, “Screamy”.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.