Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

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Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?

Me: how can I trust you anymore


CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.


Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos



[a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated]

Narrator: SHOES


Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Me: Oh.


I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.


[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*


I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.