Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it