looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
You Might Also Like
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Me if I was a dog
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.