I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
You Might Also Like
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I know this now 😂
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.