@portmanteauface

Looking back through old photos I’ve decided the most flattering angle for me is 1997

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@TheBoydP

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

@TheLastPeg

Your ‘Chemistry’ with your girlfriend is great if you remember her ‘Periodic Table’.

@Elizasoul80

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

@longwall26

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

@COMETHRUGIRL

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

@earthfalcon33

PRANK TIME: tie your friend’s shoelaces together and when he tries to walk throw a wolf at him

@Burnam1

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

@BoogTweets

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

@prufrockluvsong

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

@Schmoodles

I finally decided to unfollow someone who hasn’t tweeted in a year. They’ll probably come back tomorrow & make me look like a real c**t.