Looking back through old photos I’ve decided the most flattering angle for me is 1997

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Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.


Your ‘Chemistry’ with your girlfriend is great if you remember her ‘Periodic Table’.


They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.


Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.


god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference


PRANK TIME: tie your friend’s shoelaces together and when he tries to walk throw a wolf at him


Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.


[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*


waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.


I finally decided to unfollow someone who hasn’t tweeted in a year. They’ll probably come back tomorrow & make me look like a real c**t.