[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
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At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
They must have gotten it to go.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.