@VibesBummer

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

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@TheMichaelRock

Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.

Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?

Me: Buildings don’t get scared.

CW…..

@jimmy_sharpe

I just know my cause of death will be trying to scoot my office chair around as fast as possible.

@dadofbieber

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

@LionJenkins

Autocorrect just changed “Selfies” to “Selfless” so I just took a picture without me in it.

@lawyerthoughts

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

@NewDadNotes

Me: what are you doing?

Daughter: playing with Michael.

Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.

Daughter: I know.

Me: how did you know?

Daughter: Michael told me.

@_RyanBryce

Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says “have you got any nut allergies” aye pal I’m planning suicide by donut

@Sickayduh

Top Gun (PG) – 1986

A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins

@Karissajem

Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.