@AngelaEhh

Looking for a +1 for my wedding.

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@TheToddWilliams

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

@imence2

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

@elizabeth_fels

[Club]

Me: *has debilitating crush on a nerd*

Nerd: What you feel is a burst of norepinephrine increasing arousal and focus-

Me: *swoons*

@UltraPunch

Avoid all fall relationships guys, they just want us for our hoodies and sex.

More so just the hoodies, the sex is to get us to take our hoodies off and lower our guard.

@TheDairylandDon

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

@EndhooS

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

@NurseMurderer

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

@shegotagronk

Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I’m in the floor hanging on for dear life.

@Up2Long

Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.

@TextyRuxpin

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.