Looking for a +1 for my wedding.

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Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time


Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.


ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no


I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.


I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.


[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?


Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.


Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”


Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug



*gets a snack*


*turns on tv*


*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*