Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.