Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

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DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*



My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.


[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock


PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me.
DR DOG: What’s your job?
PATIENT: Mailman
DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*


Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list


You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.


[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out


Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”


TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?



friend: how do u meet girls

me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home


me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit

friend: haha clever

me: then ask if her grandma is single