Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”