@protolalia

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

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@squirrel74wkgn

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

@roadsidephil

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

@Social_Mime

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

@elle91

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

@NewDadNotes

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

@lucidchemistry

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

@iwearaonesie

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

@the_rock_chic

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

@Still_Khaleesi

It’s so annoying when you’ve already planned out a convo in your head and the other person doesn’t follow the script. Learn your script! 😫