Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
You Might Also Like
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
and now we wait
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
good for her
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.