Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

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I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.


Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.


If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.


Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.


Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.


Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.



Wife: that’s fair.


three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs


me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]


Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.


It’s so annoying when you’ve already planned out a convo in your head and the other person doesn’t follow the script. Learn your script! 😫