@FeelsLike2sday

Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls

Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls

- @FeelsLike2sday

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@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

@AristotlesNZ

We’ll take these $75 baby shoes. No need for a shoe box. We’ll just let him wear & outgrow them on the car ride home.

@envydatropic

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

@dave_cactus

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

@dave_cactus

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

@yonewt

Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal

@stevevsninjas

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

@MourningGlory_

Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.

JK

It was me.

@jessokfine

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist