No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
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I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.