Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
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When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.