1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
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son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Life of a Uni student
1. You wake up?You ask yourself why you woke up
2. You go to lecture you start writing then the lecturer changes the slide then you stop writing and you start online shopping or playing games
3. You go home and wonder why you even went it.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.