Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
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My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Phonetics
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of