@reallifemommy3

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

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@hazelmotes1

Me: when I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.

5 year old daughter: you’re already grown up. You’ll be dead soon.

@Big_Cat74

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

@HenpeckedHal

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

@zachreinert03

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

@IvoryGazelle

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

@realHamOnWry

Dogs are the best listeners. They always look interested and never interrupt your story with how the same thing happened to them.

@jeffpfeifer66

Moaning and gasping “Give it to me baby!” during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor.

Anybody know one?

@ObscureGent

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.