Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

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Me: when I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.

5 year old daughter: you’re already grown up. You’ll be dead soon.


Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?


I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.


finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid


Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there


Dogs are the best listeners. They always look interested and never interrupt your story with how the same thing happened to them.


Moaning and gasping “Give it to me baby!” during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor.

Anybody know one?


I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.