Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

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Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.


If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.


A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.


Alarm Clock:

a device that wakes up almost everyone in the house

except for the person who had set it.


Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”


wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake


I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.


Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes


Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.