Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
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My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?