Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
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If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
a device that wakes up almost everyone in the house
except for the person who had set it.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.