[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
This pepper has seen some shit
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
A roof is a house hat.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I see your IQ test came back negative
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
when someone compliments me
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?