@PoliceBadBoy

Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…

~ No weirdos

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@blondecalamity

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

@ceejoyner

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

@SarahAMoulton

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

@kimtopher22

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

@DarkerWillow

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

@TheCiscoKidder

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

@NerishaLakha

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

@prufrockluvsong

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

@Cunda22

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

@tigersgoroooar

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.