Looking for someone to do the heavy lifting when I need a body buried…

~ No weirdos

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Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.



Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.


I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”


I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.


You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?


You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.


Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!


I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex


I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.


pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.