me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
You Might Also Like
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
(by @ZachWeiner )
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
My what?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry