Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
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There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.