Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
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I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Oh thanks BBC.
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my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.