I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
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We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.