Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
i will not be silenced
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department