Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?

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“I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE,” I scream, as a sudden gust of wind blows the spider I threw outside onto my face.


a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true


It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”


“Ladies, please report immediately to my pants.”

– Me, pretending I’m wearing pants.


Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?


Me: maybe I should turn on the news

[17 seconds later]

Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned


I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.


“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
“Print it.”


Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.