Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
You Might Also Like
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
No, I don’t think I will.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
do horses think humans are hats
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Knock Knock
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC