*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
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It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.