@aundreyamarie

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

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@Aikiwomannc

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

@MrJeberling

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

@difficultpatty

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

@ddsmidt

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

@MaraWritesStuff

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

@KenJennings

If you’re American & I ever hear you use the word “whilst,” this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.

@sonictyrant

Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized

Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t

@_ElvishPresley_

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose