Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
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“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
If you’re American & I ever hear you use the word “whilst,” this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.
Zookeeper: Sometimes the skunks here are ostracized
Me *imagining a skunk the size of an ostrich* h o l y s h i t
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Worst bar ever.