*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
*frowns in Scottish*
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.