@ehchinoo

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

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@flashember

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

@xeyednpainless

If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: *dripping in sweat and covered in scratches* You should see the other guy!

[Camera pans slowly to sports bra crumpled on the floor]

@Home_Halfway

[1912]

ME: I’m gonna tickle you!

CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop

ME: Tickle tickle!

CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship

ME: Tickling you more!

CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg

@LeahsLounge

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

@CallousBalzac

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

@mikefossey

Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots

@jakob_huber

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough