[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”
Me: *dripping in sweat and covered in scratches* You should see the other guy!
[Camera pans slowly to sports bra crumpled on the floor]
ME: I’m gonna tickle you!
CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop
ME: Tickle tickle!
CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship
ME: Tickling you more!
CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough