@i_theindian

Looking up at his wife, he asked, “Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?”

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@Deirdreocx

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

@noogscorner

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

@weinerdog4life

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

@AbbieEvansXO

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

@inpoliteco

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

@TitansHomer

Failed biology because apparently the answer to “what is commonly found in cells?”

Isn’t “Blacks and Mexicans”