My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
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{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
plums roundup
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies