*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
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subtitles are so good nowadays
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*