@Tommytoughstuff

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

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@JodingersCat

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

@iwearaonesie

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

@eggnook

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

@LuvPug

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

@clichedout

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

@BoogTweets

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

@TheAndrewNadeau

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@bornmiserable

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again