*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

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If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?


squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”


Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.


I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours


me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot


Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*


-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me


INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?


INTERVIEWER: holy shit


HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again