*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

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9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”


Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.


[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?


Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you


Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.


“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.


[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.


I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.


It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The distance is staggering.


“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.