9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
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Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The distance is staggering.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.