*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
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The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*