*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
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Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?