*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.


C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.


*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*


THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.


“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York


Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”


the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”


Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.