@thatdutchperson

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

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@PFitzpa

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

@JohnLyonTweets

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

@BuckyIsotope

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

@Jake_Vig

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

@TurnpikeTony

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

@TasiaBass28

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

@lisaxy424

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

@Overdue_Bills

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.