*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
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Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭