Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

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[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*


advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them


You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children


How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”



*tries to lift dumbbell
*drops it


Me: I know, it’s just this KFC grease making it slip


I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’


Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.


The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.


“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay


If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos that person is 1% nacho