Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
You Might Also Like
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
*tries to lift dumbbell
Trainer: COME ON! IT’S NOT THAT HEAVY!
Me: I know, it’s just this KFC grease making it slip
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos that person is 1% nacho