Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
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i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Hmm, not sure about this change
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.