Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.


A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.


Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.


There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.


can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”


If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.


A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five


I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.


Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car


Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.