@Scorpio1080

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

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@jctwritesstuff

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

@KeetPotato

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

@JosesLovesYou

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

@Tmoney68

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

@ThaJawn

(gym)

Me:
*tries to lift dumbbell
*drops it

Trainer: COME ON! IT’S NOT THAT HEAVY!

Me: I know, it’s just this KFC grease making it slip

@Robert_Beau

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

@CulturedRuffian

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

@dafloydsta

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

@cervixsmash

If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos that person is 1% nacho