*looks at you in batman voice*
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ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I think I’ll stand