*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
You Might Also Like
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.