I love it when the doctor’s office asks me if I’ve been out of the country like I’m super rich or have Ebola.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
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*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Last night I found out you can make a lot of people REALLY angry if you dress in a Star Trek costume and also carry a light saber
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!
ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”