*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
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2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away