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@TheAlexNevil: *looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
@drinksmcgee: Her: Do you have any hobbies?
*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde
Me: I make my own preserves.
@ArfMeasures: Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It's called date night and we had a nice time
@NoFlipFlops: Whoa. The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled.
@thatdutchperson: Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'
@bourgeoisalien: Just accidentally messaged my husband "love you sexy beats" instead of "sexy beast" and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.