@TheAlexNevil

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

- @TheAlexNevil

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@redthe1

My kids don’t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays

@joshy_beck

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

@kelkulus

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

@SteveSuckington

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

@Book_Krazy

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

@thenatewolf

ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck.

CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.

@andreeahluscu

Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.